Is It Working?

I can feel their hearts beating against my palms, fluttering like two trapped birds. I am trying to put Tavi and Bea down for their nap; more like holding them down. Without regular childcare, this is the only opportunity I have for undisturbed work. Bea can fake snore, feign sleep. Their rhythms slow, the giggles and conspiring looks cease; they might be asleep. If I am clumsy getting up from the bed, disturbing the covers, I will have to start this ritual over. Precious time is ticking away and I am growing impatient. Finally they rest heavy in my arms and my workday begins.

On the days the nanny does not come, I can sneak in a couple of extra work hours if I plug them into Sesame Street and fudge on the shows before and after. I reassure myself of its educational branding, slink out of parental guilt and assume my work self. It is difficult affecting this duality. Working from home on so little pay that I can afford a nanny for only a few hours a couple of times a week. In my head, I play all the usual arguments. I can express nothing that has not already been stated on the issues of mothers who work versus mothers who stay home. It is a media created war in which I refuse to participate. We all make choices; I judge no one.

On the paid work spectrum, I am somewhere between the two poles: A Work At Home Mom. But what I find most compelling is I cannot afford to work full time. I borrow the book, The Two Income Trap, from the library hoping to shed light on my economic status. The book is written by a mother and daughter duo, Elizabeth Warren and Amelia Warren Tyagi. The two blame the demand for two income families on the drive to buy houses in neighborhoods with good schools. We live in an urban area and although Ivy attends a specialty magnet program, it is a public school. I am privileged. On a budget, we can subsist on my husband’s solitary salary.

What I cannot afford is day care for Tavi and Bea. To send the two of them to Ivy’s former preschool (which has since raised their rates) just two days a week would cost me almost $1300 a month. I would have to work enough hours to justify the expense as well as the extra gas, food and extraneous spending that would result. It is more cost effective for me to hire a nanny a couple days a week and keep them in their food and snot stained jammies at home.

We once mused over the potential traditional role reversal. G would stay home while I worked. But with binary gender roles intact, I found myself a stay at home mom. I could not compete with his salary. And more than the traditional argument on how much money women make versus men in the same position, G has more education, an MBA, out of my league in salaries.

But I am caught in an internal struggle because I want to work. I am puzzled by the idea that some two-income families of five are living on $30K a year. I see them on the paperwork at the beginning of every school year. Do you qualify for free or reduced lunch?  We are well above the cut-off, but more paper work from the public school board shows more than 40% of Ivy’s classmates meet those requirements.

When Ivy was 18 months old I got antsy. I needed to be more than her mother. Even after resuming my film courses and my part time job, I was hungry for earning; climbing the economic ladder. Needing to keep myself occupied, I started sewing cute little outfits while Ivy napped. Somehow my hobby developed into a cottage industry business. The aprons I crafted for friends’ birthdays were stitched and hawked at street fairs and local shops. I kept it up, only making a small profit, because it was more for myself than for economic gain. That is until I became very ill. I had a stretch of months that I was really sick. The apron production slowed and then I was invited to apply for a coveted position in my chosen profession. I submitted my resume and was called for an interview while I was still in the hospital. Barely functioning, I nailed the interview and was offered the job. I deposited Ivy in daycare and worked until I was 8 months pregnant with my twins, Tavi and Bea.

When Tavi and Bea reached the 18-month mark, my usual fidgeting limit, again I was in that "just a mom" slump. My mobility is more limited as is my time with three children to manage as well as the usual drudgery around the house. I started volunteering as I did after Ivy was born, this time as a peer counselor for breastfeeding women. And then I began researching an independent documentary project and blogging. None very lucrative endeavors. Without any hope for financial gain in sight, I plugged away nonetheless. I had something to offer and was lacking adult companionship and intellectual stimulation.

But then I received another call to work. From the same person who had invited me to apply for the position before Tavi and Bea were born. She assured me it would be simple, something I could do from home. I was both eager and ready. The project had a deadline, a finish date. So now with a self-indulgent blog (neglected like a Christmas puppy and speaking of puppies), a new puppy, still-nursing-toddler twins, a 5 year old and a film project I plunged back into employment. It was summer vacation but I started treading water, keeping my head afloat. But I reached a limit somewhere between the deadlines and the laundry. The volunteering dropped off and I had no time to socialize even though we have an average of one birthday party invitation per week. The puppy needs obedience lessons and I am taking a Japanese class to keep up with the dinner conversations at our house. I feel officially overwhelmed and I realize that nothing from my plate shifted because my husband’s job became more demanding of him.

I may be a type A personality, but I am also stretched thin. In the words of a famous hobbit: “Like butter over too much bread”. My last deadline for work looms at the end of this month and I will wait to take on another paid challenge with real life deadlines. I recently submitted a magazine article that has since been accepted for publication and more importantly, pay. So Instead, maybe I can do something I love for just a little bit of money in return. At least enough to pay the babysitter once in a while.

Comments

[Unfit Mother]

Thank you for your insightful comments, Marjorie. It sounds like our situations are very similar. Sometimes I think I just need an attitude adjustment because these children are only going to be small for a relatively short time. I am sure I will be nostalgic in a few years. My husband and I are always discussing the need to increase our life and disability insurance in the event something happens to him. It is hard for me to be dependent on someone financially when the work I do is undervalued and unpaid.

[Marjorie]

A part of this that particularly resonated with me was about the husband who would have liked to have stayed with the kids--my husband would have loved that, and although we both love(d) our jobs, my salary wasn't in the same ballpark as his; it was a no-brainer for me to stay home. I had no idea how much I'd enjoy being "home" with children, though, so it worked out well.

Something else--the working to cover day care/pre-school--which is pretty much what I'd have been doing. I'm so glad I didn't, though, because it's been a surprise how much I've enjoyed doing things that actually do pay, however little, that I can do from home. I wouldn't have done so many things, even unrelated to the kids, just for myself, if I stayed at work.

And in the last comment, about some women being naive not to consider their futures...the economic implications of leaving work for 20, or even 10, 5 years, are definitely worrisome even for those of us who are not naive. It's definitely a calculated risk--there's a lot of dependence on the one making the money in a partnership like mine, so what would happen if a terrible turn of events changes everything? Hard to think about, but needs to be for a measure of security.

[mamatried]

I often lament that I did my masters in ecology instead of an applied science (engineering, medicine) where I could have made more money. To make my school investment worthwhile (for retirement which as I near 40 doesn't seem as far off as it did at 30) I need 20 years in public school teaching and have 5 so far. I don't want to wait too long because I don't want to be one of those teachers who at 67+ is trying to keep up with 15 year olds (although my little stout body kicks their butts when I take them hiking now!!).

I wasn't throwing hash at you BTW (you are brilliant and have more marketable skills than me for sure). I just see it ALL the time at the community college where I teach. Women going back to school in their late 40s or early 50s...trying to scramble to get some kind of retirement nest egg and often it isn't because of divorce or death but just that it is getting harder and harder to get by in America with the rising cost of living (health insurance, expense of raising & educating kids, taking care of adult parents, taking care of adult childen--and often grandkids--etc.).

[radical mama]

You sound stressed and extremely busy. I hope you can get some peace and quiet soon. It sounds like a break is coming soon, right?

[Unfit Mother]

The big shocker for me, MT, was how little extra time Ivy being in school affords me. She is out of school at 2:15, hardly a full day and averages two days off per month (holidays, teachers in service days etc. - not including sick days). I think I will wait until all three are in (pre)school to pursue more work. Because the public school system functions more as child care than an education... ?

I also worry about being out of the work force for too long (as you mentioned, 20 years). If something ever happened to G and our family was dependent on me for income, I want to be able to make enough money to do that. I need to continue working enough now that I can be in an "experience" bracket that can guarantee me a livable wage for our family size. I worry about that cricket chirping silence on my resume where "stay at home mom" doesn't quite cut it professionally (although I think it should, ala Momsrising!).

[mamatried]

I think it definitely comes down to me to a quality of life issue. My part-time work helps us keep the wolves at bay (student loans, mortgage) and I enjoy the interaction with other adults but I do think it would be difficult to sustain with even one more child and have the quality home life I desire. I worry about saving for my retirement but just try and remember that this time is short and once my baby is in school I can re-enter the world of work full-time if necessary. I read this great article a few years ago that really influenced my attitude towards work. It basically argued that Americans expect their jobs to: pay a lot AND be satisfying, interesting, creative, and stimulating AND help save the world in some way...and that very few people are able to accomplish all 3 with their jobs and it just may mean 'settling' for less than ideal in one of the 'areas.' For myself, I would rather be an environmental educator but settle for a more traditional classroom teaching role to help me prepare for my future. And I think some of it is personality as I don't have the mental energy to live paycheck to paycheck any more.

With all that said, to sling a little hash, (probably being raised in the 1970s!) I do think some women are naive not to consider their futures and the possible economic implications of opting out of work for 20 years...