The Age of Parenthood

I read this and thought this:

My sister always comments that I am an “older mom”. I find this amusing because I am about the median age among my peers with children of a similar age. And I can’t help but note a tone of resentment in her voice when she says it.

I was 32 when I had my first child. My sister married at 21 and had her first child a month after her 23rd birthday. Likewise, my mother was 23 when she had my sister, who was also her first child. Comparatively, my mother had me, her last child, at age 31. I have noticed that among my mom friends, many entered motherhood at roughly the same age their mamas were when they half consciously squeezed them out into the waiting arms of a scrub clad, masked spanker.  I have no scientific data to support this equated age claim; it is anecdotal at best, but a curious observation nonetheless.

I neither would have nor could have had a child in my twenties. That decade was a time of lost and found. A raging period of self-indulgent exploration and healing that only after, emerging in my 30’s, was I stable enough financially, emotional and maybe even physically to begin my family. A choice. Or maybe it is just the way things worked out. Circumstances.

I have navigated my life by the course of my sister’s mistakes. I don’t mean this with any disrespect or in judgment of my sister; quite the opposite. The big sister I always look up to and admire offered cautionary life experiences to which I took notice and headed like mythical parables. I simply learned from her hardships struggling as a young mom with three children. That was not a life I wanted to live. Which again is not a judgment on choosing to become a mother in one’s 20’s. But in the 1990’s, as an urban, educated, middle-class, white woman, I was able to make my choice with nary an eyebrow raised.

And while working through issues of post-traumatic proportions in my 20’s, I also lived with the relish of a wanton grrrl exploring all that life has to offer. At the prime age of 20, I suffered through a disastrous break-up with my first “true love” (which I now consider a near miss [near Mrs.]). Otherwise the course of my life could have echoed my oldest sibling’s. In retreat, I partied through college, trekked across Europe, moved cross country and had countless potential life partners (ok, maybe two or three real contenders) before I felt ready to “settle down”.  And at 27 I was ready, finally, to inventory my accumulated adventures and make a big change. I met my husband at 28, married at 29 and had Ivy at 32. My husband and I honeymooned by spending a month in Japan riding our bikes across the rural countryside and setting the stage for a life long cultural exchange.  In other words: before Saturn returned, I had sown my proverbial wild oats. 

My point is this: I would not trade my chosen path for one of different opportunities to have my children. And demographically, I insist I am in the norm and protest the “older mom” label. I have several friends, after all, who began their families in their 40’s. I have plenty of energy to chase my heinous monkeys around the living room or the neighborhood park. And I have the budget necessary to indulge them occasionally and keep them in the candy colored clothing proffered at the Hannah Anderson outlet. I am a better mom by having waited. I can be the mom I want to be.

Comments

[Meagan Francis]

apologies...I meant Unfit Mother, not Unfit Mom!

[Meagan Francis]

I just followed a link over from Katie Granju's blog...

Radical Mama, I so identified with your comment. I had my first at 20, and had four kids by 28 (I'm 30 now). There were struggles along the way, yes, but we are in a good and solid place now and I don't think I would have gotten here any faster or more whole if I'd put off motherhood. I was floating through life when I got pregnant with my oldest and it gave me the kick in the pants I needed to hunker down, figure out what I wanted out of life and grow up.

I just think it's such an individual thing that you can't really know what might have been. Unfitmom, you obviously charted a course that was right for you, but I don't think you know what you might have been capable of in your twenties if faced with no other choice. Your sister is your sister; you are you. Having kids doesn't make you a different person from who you are. Motherhood at any age can create obstacles and difficulty, yes, but it can also create opportunity.

[karrie]

ps: Hanna Andersson is The Djävul.

I'm so bad that I have even taken to buying M's underwear from there. Which is silly because I'm sporting the 6 for $5 pack of Hanes from Target.

If I had a girl, I imagine it would ten times worse.

[karrie]

I'm 35 and I am the only one of my original group of friends (30-40s) who has a child. So in Boston, I am a young mom, or at least no one considers me an older mom. Older is more like 45 and up.

Weird, huh?

[mamatried]

One other thing is that around where I live I do feel a little 'old' actually as most of the first time moms are in their late 20s that I meet up with. A lot of women my age are like you and maybe had their first child 5 or 6 years ago so are not so interested in the 'newborn 'babble' etc.

[Unfit Mother]

MT - I was actually 29 and a half when I married (same year as you).

Andy, girl, if you have not been to the Hannah Anderson outlet in Lake Oswego, you are missing out on the pilgrimage of your life! $5 creepers - it's madness over there when they have the 50% off sales. I bought a $80 winter coat for Ivy for like $25.

RM- I thought about you when I was writing that post. You may be the youngest mom I know =;?}

[radical mama]

It's different for everyone. I had A when I was 22. John and I were laughing in the car the other day. When we met, I said I wasn't having kids until I was at least 30. And now, I'll have had four before I turn 30.

Sometimes I think, I wish I would have waited and moved around more and gone to Europe alone. But really? I know wouldn't have. I had already failed out of school and I would have kept waiting tables for beer and rent money until I was 30 and then what? My kids gave me the inspiration I needed to finish school and grow the hell up like I should have in the first place.

But I don't think my kids will have kids when they are young. Having educated, professional parents I hope will help them to expect an education and profession for themselves. John and I were both the first in our families to graduate college, and it was a real struggle for us. We had both dropped out before we had kids.

[Andy]

There's a Hanna Anderson outlet?

Sorry - a little sidetracked there.

And I had my first chid at 26. It's older than a lot of people I know, but I still feel very young to be having children. I couldn't imagine having kids any younger than that.

[mamatried]

I read your post and laugh because I think 'Did you really get married at 28? God, that is so young!" I was 30 when I married and 37 when I had my baby (and when I was getting married wondered if I was too young!?!). My biggest regret in waiting so long to have children is that I feel rushed to decide when or if there will be a number 2.

In terms of your hypothesis, my mom was 36 when she had my brother and 39 when she had me.

And my only feeling of wanting to do-over my life would be for me to have roared through my 20s with more self-confidence and direction.

Curious about the email? I didn't read it as a slam on your sister.

[Unfit Mother]

An old friend sent me an email in response to this post. Part of it said:

My real issue with your post is that after slapping your sibling and then saying its not
a slap, you just gloss over all the real stuff about yourself. I knew you when you met
your husband to be, I knew whatever you told me about your life at the time and how you saw things. I remember the misgivings you had about going down this path with this man. I remember the food at your reception. I remember going to your house and meeting your new baby.

Everything I know about you is still very limited and it is skewed by my reality but I would really like to hear more detail about your life that fills in the blanks