Shadow World

Tavi will be assessed for an Autism diagnosis within the next couple of weeks. And after reading practically everything in the known universe on the subject, I think I have finally wrapped my brain around all this. Over the last six months, I have navigated a distinct culture of neurobiology rich with vocabulary.

Fear is the absence of knowledge and having amassed an encyclopedic girth of it, I am not afraid of these people who will return to my house asking subtle questions I was too naive to infer in February. From what I understand, my quirky toddler is merely sporting a variant brain chemistry. And from looking at the genetic traits usually found in families with an autistic child, I find myself living in a shadow world with many familiar faces. I have almost come to believe that everyone is on the spectrum and it if you compare it to high school, it begins with the social football heroes on one end, the reclusive kids in the computer club along the line with the incapacitated kids transported on the short bus holding on to the whipping tail end. Sandwiched somewhere inside this spectrum is everyone I know, weaving in and out of neurotypicality. 

All those eye twitching behaviors I recognize in myself are called shadow traits, typical in family members. This new fearless power I have allows me to evaluate the spectrum and understand how the centrifuge of genetics spun madly to produce my child. Recognizing the patterns in myself gives me the tools I need to understand Tavi and the components that set her spiraling into a diagnosis I can now comprehend.

Occupational therapy has been an amazing experience and now I “get it”. I get IT! I have had an eureka moment time and time again with the mind blowing research digested and parceled out to me through Tavi’s therapists and teachers. It is because of these shared shadow traits that I recognized that allusive shroud that surrounds my daughter and listened to an inner voice when it urged me to call for that initial developmental assessment. I am confident I can shepherd her through the coming courses of action and advocate for her because I understand her. It all seems much simpler now.

It is because I do not take my child’s potential diagnosis personally that I am not afraid of this new world. I do not see these shadows as chilling indicators of lurking danger, but rather as a cool respite from the glare of society always trailing behind me in the sun.  It is in my shadow that I will cast her protection.

Comments

[Unfit Mother]

Thanks for the support, Ladies. And Dee, isn't this your field? Maybe I should pick your neuro-wise cranium...

There was a really interesting research paper just released about how the genetic markers for Autism are not missing, just "idle". And behavioral therapy turns them on. Very interesting and consistent with what I have learned.

[dee]

Wow, you are an amazing woman. Taking the neuro knowledge and navigating your way through everything...you have some very lucky kids.

[mamatried]

C is always asking me if T has issues. God how could she not with us as her parents? I am impressed by your ability to say you aren't taking it all personally. I try not to take T's behavior personally but it is hard in a group setting sometimes when all the other kids are just sitting on their mom's laps like little robots..

[Jen]

I had never really thought about neurotypicality until I was hospitalized with the meningitis and was asked several times a day why I never had my tics 'taken care of.' I was sort of shocked--I hadn't ever thought they were anything but a part of me (OCD)

Tavi is lucky to have such a wise mama.

[Kelly O]

Rock on, woman.