The Art of Saying No

I was recently at my friends house whose two year old would declare, “NO!” to any suggestion or offering. I teased her husband when he scolded their daughter, “Don’t say no…” Children repeat what they hear. But ,really, I want my daughters to know their limits, advocate for the negative. I try to offer alternatives and positive redirections, but I want them to know how to say no (it’s when that gets a little trickier). Women are taught to be pleasers, the dainty doers of all demands placed upon us and that’s a generational fault. Knowing when to say yes and when to know your limits takes a positive confidence and is not easily accomplished with grace. I read an interview with Tina Fey in Bust magazine some time ago. She attributed her success to always saying yes and figuring out how to make that work after wards. I took inspiration from that article and applied it to many opportunities that in turn, gave me success in my career. It has been my policy ever since, until now. This morning I had to make a difficult decision and turn down an amazing job opportunity; a position in my field with a promised path towards more career advancement. But I had to say no. The job would require a lot of field hours at an indeterminable length and I have learned better when well meaning employers suggest the work can be done at home in the evening when the kids are soundly off to slumber. The reality in that is I would be passed out on that big King sized memory foam mattress with them upstairs only to awake the next morning when the Groundhog Day begins again. It has only been in the last year that I have resigned to barely keeping my foot in the revolving door of my career while I manage the lives of three very young children, one of who has a developmental disability. Meanwhile I have watched my husband’s career soar madly without ceiling or detracting considerations on the impact of our family. I can’t help but feel resentful for my sacrifice from time to time. It circles back to that modern dilemma almost all women I know face: the cloudy myth that we can do it all with balancing aplomb. As far as I can tell, it isn’t so much a juggling act as much as a plate spinning talent. Try to keep them all going and catch the one about to fall. It seems one of these overfull plates always does manage to fall at some point and then I add cleaning the mess to my to do list. I feel cheated today, like I cheated myself out of something big. I considered all my options on this one and the timing is just not right. I did agree to a smaller task on the same project so I didn’t give up entirely, but I had to place a limit. And in the bigger picture it will cause me much less stress. As I look around for my village, the childcare providers all seem to be struggling with their own loads and financial demands. With the hidden costs of two working parents (one of which is out of town 2 weeks of every month), like farming out cooking and cleaning details, there isn’t much benefit left for the children I decided to have. Someone still has to help with homework, provide enrichment and schlep the underage to activities, play dates and therapies (not to mention the sorting of neglected pet behaviors). Tavi and Bea began preschool today. They attend a local school with a special education plus peer program where they are engaged for a whopping two hours three days a week. This is their first step away from home but once travel time is factored, it only allows me an hour solace before another demand pulls me away from precious “me” time like advancing my career. Baby steps I remind myself. One day they will all be in a school for a big six hours and then I can return to the focus on being more than a mom. (Until you count the random holiday, teacher-in-service, and sick days.)

Comments

[Grandma Donna]

To Unfit Mother - I think you made the right decision. In spite of what "they say" life is really not the same for both men and women once children are brought into the mix unless one is extremely wealthy and can afford all sorts of really good help. As a mother of four and grandmother of nine, I do think that time spent with our children and grandchildren is invaluable. If I had it to do over again, I would spend more, not less, time with my kids! On the other hand, I am having to work for much longer now in order to make up for lost time in my retirement account, but my career is just fine!

[Unfit Mother]

Thanks y'all! It was rough to let it go, but that dang universe keeps sending me the good stuff and I have a hard time saying no. This was a big step for me. ommmmm...
(don't let this jinx me)

[setya]

You are talented and when the door opens again perhaps it will be the right time.

Now that my kids are teenagers I look back to the days of 3 and feel very wistful. It sounds trite, but it flies by! Your girls are very lucky to have you as much as they do.

[nylonthread]

UM, you went with your gut, and you know you did the right thing despite regrets. I'm sending a wish to the cosmos that there will be something amazing out there for you that's a better fit, when the time is right. I've been saying yes too often lately and am feeling overextended. I think No-vember will be my "No" month.

[mamatried]

That does suck.

I hate how I have to piece meal my time to get my work done. Last week I put in about 20 hours with no scheduled childcare unless you count 'Play With Me Sesame'...

Lately I have been thinking I should just work on campus as then I would 1. get out of the house without children and 2. have regular scheduled child care when I am working rather than giving up my free times or working after the rugrats are in bed until 12:00 am.

[nessa]

Wow. I don't know what to say. That sucks. I totally hear you on being torn between doing what you want and doing what you have to do. And the resentment that comes with that. I swear to God, if John ever divorces me, I am suing him for the years I put into his career as a free childcare provider.